26th,August,2015
its been month now i am writing here. but i am glad to get back here. every time i came here i always think this is where i belong. i love to be here writing about my thoughts and leaving behind something which will remain after my death. no one knows when will you die but i want to left lots of words behind , i want to share my thoughts with everyone. well that's it for today.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Saturday, June 13, 2015
JUNE 2015
13th June 2015,saturday
here i am standing at the path which is going towards my goal but why i am standing, wasting my time. why my feet can't take another step. why?
sometimes you can hate yourself for not doing right thing , when you know you are doing wrong you should stop but you can't stop yourself. so what will you do when the time will pass and the end you will regret.
why? why i can't do anything?
even i know the answer! but still i am not letting my self open my eyes and see. what is right in front of me!
14th June 2015,Sunday
when you get to know the news of death of your relative, a sudden chill run through your body and then you think it could have been YOU, no one knows when they will die, everyone is waiting for their death.
i don't think death is painful but its peaceful, it can save you from you sin you could have done in future in this world. but some people do't want to die.
i also don't want to die at-least not now. few desires stop me to think about my death. i don't have power to stop my death but before my death..........something i want to do.
15th June 2015,Monday
Today when i read a manga, it was about father and daughter relationship,
daughter who had died but still father was spending happy times with her, actually she was trying to make her father life happy to push him into the relationship, from where he could start new life.
well at the end father realize that his daughter has died long ago all these times she was with her cause she can't leave peacefully because she was worried about him.
it was so much painful story it made my heart ache. but deep down inside i am so scared of this feeling, i don't ever want to feel this feeling. i don't ever never want to see my child death.
i can't think about it. it made me cry (even i don't have kids but still i have heart of parent, not even married yet :p )
16th,June 2015,Tuesday
i want to fill up thousand of colors around me. i want to have the feelings like where ever i touch the different bright colors start flowing around me. rainbow , rain , flowers , morning breeze. Ah! i love them all.
watching sun rise, feeling cold grass under your feet, the moment when you touch flower and the fragrant which refresh your mind.
when the sun wake you up in the morning, from your front big window. and when you get up and see the waves of sea in front of your eyes. gives you so much refresh feeling. like heaven. so relax.
only nature could give you this much relaxation feelings. and if you can't get close to the nature. if you just imagine these things, you could feel the change in your mind.
its the longest day of the year and sun is so close to the earth so it will be so hot today. its early morning right now and i just wake up. its quite outside. i want to go outside but its so hot outside.
what should i do today at home, oh yeah, i have few assignments to do. i a lazy to complete them but next week is submission date.
According to the US calendar today is Father's day!!!
22nd,June 2015,Monday
It was so hot out side so i didn't go to attend class. i am so upset that i didn't attend my today's class. it will effect my G.B. but its so hot outside , feels like heat is just melting my body. many people have died because of this hot weather. i am feeling so sick, can't eat , drink , or sleep just because of bad weather.
people around me feeling the same thing. this is so bad habit in me when i don't feel healthy i can't do anything. if my body ache i can't do any outside work, it made me sensitive person. maybe its just my mind whose effect on my body for not to do anything. i want to cure it. even i feel bad or my body is in pain, i want to attend my class and do daily work. but i can't do it, i am weak! but i will not stop , i will try yo face it, but when???
23rd,June 2015, Tuesday
People (specially your blood relatives) are so difficult to understand. if you try to understand and show sincerity but all you got negative response so you start thinking what should i do next.. then when you try not to understand them just ignore them but again all you got negative response then again you think what you should do. then you try to show sincerity when they come to you but still negative response.
all you left is now just run away from all those relationships , then you start running, you run mile away but when your heart start feeling pity like "they are my only blood relatives, i can't run away from them" and when you turn back all you find out. that was all just your imagination. you are still there where you start running. running miles and miles away was just a dream. Truth is we can't run away from them. except death do us apart.
some people think "yeah we could move in another country then we wouldn't be able to see them" but at some point you will think about them and will get back to them, or when you will find that i am about to die, you will try to meet them again.
Sometimes this is so annoying, why we can't cut our ties with them. but this guilt is so stressful , this guilt don't let us think about being "BAD person" towards them. at the same time its so painful when you gets hurts, people are really pathetic they know they will gets hurt but still they don't stop doing good deeds to their blood ones.
Afternoon now, listening music specially violin. violin is the only instrument which can calm my mind. its like, when you close your eyes while listening violin you can discover whole new world. a warm, peaceful place where no one will hurt you. you can freely smile there. some religion says listening music is sin, i think i could believe in this. music could send you in your fantasy world (far away from reality) if we don't face reality and live in your fantasy world problem never solves and we always stuck in past and spend our life in sorrow and waiting for our fantasy to come true. our perfect fantasy could never become reality but we always feel afraid to accept this and start running away from reality. but still when we turn around and see how far we have reached. we found ourselves still standing their, stuck in past. we feel so sorry for ourselves because all these times we were trying so hard for running away and we didn't realize that all those afford was meaningless. we have wasted all these times and now what to do. at the end we accept the reality and try to cover all those years we have spend in trying to make our fantasy come true.
but now if we think about at this point. what i am talking about. i am not telling you not to do effort for your desires. if you do hard work you could make your fantasy come true but when you enter in fantasy world one by one your desires increase. you never gets satisfy what you have. example, at first in your fantasy you want to become a successful business man, when you become successful business man you think "oh i am just a successful business man what a big deal" then your fantasy start increasing you stop seeing what you have, you start living in your fantasy world. a "never-land" a land where if you ever enter you can't come back. I think you can escape from your fantasy and you can also escape from reality. you can balance your life. Fantasy helps you fulfill your dreams , fantasy also could become cause of your dream to shatter. Like alcohol. you can enjoy 1 glass but 1 bottle could make you become a person you can't even stand on his own.
Today what i learn is :
27nth, June 2015, Saturday
It's a beautiful night,
We're looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.
This song is "marry you" from Bruno mars
if you want to propose me. so you have to play this song and dance like a main character did in the kroean drama "my love from another star"
that dance scene is in episode 20 in vary last minutes. when a guy see that dance which was performed by main girl character for him (to propose him).
if that dance made me smile + cry + laugh = then i will answer it. lol...
well now i am gonna share few beautiful lines.
I love it when you run your fingers through my rugged hair,
Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
27nth, june 2015, sunday
Today i want to share something about horoscope, i don't believe in horoscope but as a PISCES. you can tell who i am after reading my diary. well this is 100% true that pisces are talented mostly in arts (music,singing,painting,poetry,sketching,story writing. everything related to arts) but no matter how tired i am, if i am in depression only sports (badminton,basket ball,tennis) could relax my mind and my body, also helps me to think the solution of the problem. i don't think pisces have patients or they can sit at one place. i like to travel alot. my keen interest in arts is the reason of my travelling. i can read faces , eyes, face expression. i can tell if the person is sincere or telling lies. sometimes its good thing you could judge people easily but it hurts alot (for sensitive pisces) when your friends or family tell lies with honest expression. pisces don't have patients so they try to let other person know that they (pisces) know that they (other person) are telling lies. but just because of impatient nature this thing turn in to back fire to them and they become out cast in between their friends and family. feelings are what they really treasure. if you show your true feeling through your expression or help them. they will really treasure you. if you give them 1% sincerity they will give you 10% sincerity. but if you give them even 1% dishonesty they will give you 100% dishonesty (after doing bad deed they will be in depression, this is other thing because they are so sensitive so they will think alot) but they really will be like this, like the way i am saying. well if we talk about pisces as a symbol , i mean. 2 fishes opposite faces to each other and in water, it shows vise versa (its like mirror, you will show your own image in them, you can't tell what they are thinking, i mean if you want to tell their personal whole personality you can't judge them in one thing, they like to suprise people.... but its true pisces are mirror, if you are bad they are bad, if you are good they are good, pisces don't like to hurt others, if they hurt you don't forget at the mid night in their room they will think about that bad deed and try to ask for forgiveness for god or drop tear for that bad deed, but its in their nature so they can't change it) pisces always remember their bad deed what they did but they easily forget what other did bad deeds with them. if a pisces gets angry after 3 second they will forget why they were angry , what was the reason. but if you hurt pisces badly and then pisces gets angry then you can't save yourself. i mean literally they became MAD MAN/MAD WOMEN. after seeing them angry you will say what the hell are they really human. well if we talks about others what others thinks about pisces so 85% you will get good comments. just search on google bar you will find out about pisces. you will say WOW!
first i will tell you why people don't like pisces. pisces could give their love to any one. if pisces say they love you they really mean it even a guy pisces is saying to 3 girls that he loves them then its means he really love them , some people would say pisces are cheater, but there are few situations ( i am talking about majority pisces OKAY) if a girl tell a pisces guy about her heart broken / her depression ? how much her school mates or family member bully her so he will feel her pain and try to give her love, just to make her life balance because she is facing so much pain so he will try to comfort her with supporting words and give her love. (girls if you want to get your hand on pisces guy so first get their sympathy , but don't let your hopes so high, if he says he loves he really love you he mean it but he doesn't make any promise that he can't love any one other than you so you have to force him to make promise lol) if pisces guy promised you that he will only give his love to you so he really will do this. good thing is pisces keep their promises.
this thing make me laugh, if you convince them yo made such promise so he will become cold to other girls hehe.... and literally not even 1% love he will give to others. so get yourself ready!!
girls will say "OMG, we will find pisces, they are so faith ful"
but hey...... you can't handle pisces 100% love.. LOL
you will start feeling suffocated. i really mean it....
This is all my observation! i am observing pisces for 10 years. my 5 relatives are pisces. whenever i go anywhere i try to find pisces and take their interviews. it has become small hobby. so i can be wrong. still i am learning about them. so if any pisces out there want to share anything you can share it here!! if you think i am wrong any where in this post so let me know!! and increase my knowledge!
here i am standing at the path which is going towards my goal but why i am standing, wasting my time. why my feet can't take another step. why?
sometimes you can hate yourself for not doing right thing , when you know you are doing wrong you should stop but you can't stop yourself. so what will you do when the time will pass and the end you will regret.
why? why i can't do anything?
even i know the answer! but still i am not letting my self open my eyes and see. what is right in front of me!
14th June 2015,Sunday
when you get to know the news of death of your relative, a sudden chill run through your body and then you think it could have been YOU, no one knows when they will die, everyone is waiting for their death.
i don't think death is painful but its peaceful, it can save you from you sin you could have done in future in this world. but some people do't want to die.
i also don't want to die at-least not now. few desires stop me to think about my death. i don't have power to stop my death but before my death..........something i want to do.
15th June 2015,Monday
Today when i read a manga, it was about father and daughter relationship,
daughter who had died but still father was spending happy times with her, actually she was trying to make her father life happy to push him into the relationship, from where he could start new life.
well at the end father realize that his daughter has died long ago all these times she was with her cause she can't leave peacefully because she was worried about him.
it was so much painful story it made my heart ache. but deep down inside i am so scared of this feeling, i don't ever want to feel this feeling. i don't ever never want to see my child death.
i can't think about it. it made me cry (even i don't have kids but still i have heart of parent, not even married yet :p )
16th,June 2015,Tuesday
i want to fill up thousand of colors around me. i want to have the feelings like where ever i touch the different bright colors start flowing around me. rainbow , rain , flowers , morning breeze. Ah! i love them all.
watching sun rise, feeling cold grass under your feet, the moment when you touch flower and the fragrant which refresh your mind.
when the sun wake you up in the morning, from your front big window. and when you get up and see the waves of sea in front of your eyes. gives you so much refresh feeling. like heaven. so relax.
only nature could give you this much relaxation feelings. and if you can't get close to the nature. if you just imagine these things, you could feel the change in your mind.
17th,June 2015,Wednesday
In the evening i was taking nap and i saw a dream. but when i woke
up, tears were running , it was pain in my chest. so i want to share that dream
, i really don't get the meaning of that dream but i feel so much pain.
DREAM: from the start i have weak body so my
mother seems always worried towards me, one day i collapsed in school and my
mom take me to hospital then home, then i heard "he has arrived after one
year" suddenly i feel i should run toward guest room (at that time i
was in my room) i am one step away from door , my feet is not letting me move
forward, my heart is aching. i am listening my mom is talking to a guy ( i
don't know who is he, but still i am feeling like i know him from long ago)
then i grip myself and i enter in the room, after seeing his face my tears
won't stop and i fall on the floor , my mom run towards me and hold me but
tears won't stop and he is watching me silently with out any expression on his
face. after seeing his cold expression my heart is feeling much pain but at the
same time i am confuse "why i am crying i don't know this person but my
heart is saying no i was waiting for him for long time" so he stands up
and say why don't we all go for vacation. i have only this one month after that
i am going back (i was still confuse where he is come from and where he will go
back) , next thing i remember i am in high class van (those kind of van in
which top celebrities go for tour, well) and in the bus all of them are my
friend and that person is also there. at the end of the van my school's friend
is sitting , i get the feeling that my school's friend liked me so i think i
should made that guy jealous so i sit beside my friend and i was watching him
continuously but still he didn't see me, i felt so much sadness and i was
feeling tired , so i fell asleep. when i woke up i was at the train station,
and i see around, my family member were also there so my mom tell me that they
were in another van.
well again i was looking where is that person, he was talking to a
guy then i interrupt hold his hands and tell him i am not feeling well, (still
he doesn't give me any expression which could show me that he is worried., then
i was so annoyed) so i said "i pointed to my school friend and said i
think i like that person and he also like me if you don't mind then i could go
out with him" then he said you could go out with him i am only here for
one month then i am going back. ( i was expecting that he will say something
like you are mine or anything but this ) tears start running then suddenly he
holds me in his arm and put me in the van. and said train is about to arrive we
will miss the train if you stands outside the van. then we all in the train
now, and then train stop at the station my friend said lets go buy something to
eat, i go with my friend buy something then i feel like some one is standing at
the corner of shop and staring it was that person then he come close to me and
give money to the shop keeper, i, my friend and that person together walk
towards our train then my friend seems disturb he was trying to say something
(i knew my friend has realized that i have some kind of feeling for that person
, maybe he was trying to confess in front of that person so i feel like i
should take this opportunity to made him jealous so i was about to grab my
friend's hand) then suddenly that person put bottle of juice in my mouth i feel
like i hate this kind of juice and it stuck in my mouth and start coughing , my
friend seems worried so he moves close towards me to help me grip water then
that person suddenly holds me in his arms and take me in train and that time i
see his face he just smirk at my friend and move towards train with me, my
friend sees annoyed (at that time i was so confuse and i was also annoyed that
how could he do something like this, i was feeling like yeah that person know
everything about me and still gave me that juice. well next thing i remember)
sitting in train beside him i am holding his hands tightly and i am not
letting go (i am half asleep but still not letting myself asleep, feeling like
if i fall asleep this person will disappear) and he is also not saying
anything, but still i am in pain so much in pain. tears are running and i am
continuously watching him his side look. that expression less cold person, i am
thinking how could this person effect me this much and i never felt effective
this much. time was running. but then he see me and give me smile. i was so
shocked, he holds me with caress like mother hold the child with soft grip. it
was like blessing. so relaxing feeling like i wanted to spend my whole life in
those hands and then i remember falling asleep.
then next thing i wake up
tears were running, unsatisfied feeling. but who was that person?
i don't know his name, i don't know how he looks like but that dream i remember
almost everything but i don't remember that person name or his face.
i totally don't understand the dream but i don't like it , why i
have to feel the pain and why i cry for unknown person , only mere dream!
i wanted to write down this dream, i don't have any reason but
still wanted to write it down i don't want to forget this feeling. even that
guy had cold expression but still i want to see that cold expression, even he
never see me but i want to see him, even he did something childish all of a
sudden but i want to see how much childish things he could do more, even this
is mere dream i want to see this dream one more time. even after that dream i
woke up with tears but still i want to see it because i don't want to forget
"that person".
18th,June 2015,Thursday
When the stars fall in to darkness,
i will quietly shine for you,
during happy times,
during sad times,
i will always be there for you.
your hands, your smile, your everything,
for as many years to come,
i shall watch from the place closet to you.
My existence will become your day time shooting star.
19th,June 2015,Friday
Gripped by hollow emptiness,
and an eternity of wishes,
My room's pulse and heartbeat
slowly drags to the vanishing heat.
I know, its another night.
Peeling my heart's ice sheets.
Every night is a voyage,
I set sail with every sunset.
To neither the east nor the west but lighted all over by the dark night.
Standing close to my wall of reflections,
O' love, where is thy warmth?
I ask the abstract figure,
of her painting
he gave me the night he flew.
To far lands separating us day and night.
Like the night before,
I creep back without waiting for an answer
To my path,
Till I knock at the doors of dawn.
Another long journey of a night.
20th,June 2015,Saturday
its so hot here, but still my heart is ice cold.
i want rainbow in my hands but all i get is ashes of burnt desires
is there any possibility to become a luck when everyone sees you a curse
wanting to make others satisfy, loosing everything all i had
is this all what i really want?
or there is something big dreams hidden inside my heart and i am neglecting it?
This poem for all those friends who have their love ones, so don't let them get away from you.
21st June 2015,sunday18th,June 2015,Thursday
When the stars fall in to darkness,
i will quietly shine for you,
during happy times,
during sad times,
i will always be there for you.
your hands, your smile, your everything,
for as many years to come,
i shall watch from the place closet to you.
My existence will become your day time shooting star.
19th,June 2015,Friday
Gripped by hollow emptiness,
and an eternity of wishes,
My room's pulse and heartbeat
slowly drags to the vanishing heat.
I know, its another night.
Peeling my heart's ice sheets.
Every night is a voyage,
I set sail with every sunset.
To neither the east nor the west but lighted all over by the dark night.
Standing close to my wall of reflections,
O' love, where is thy warmth?
I ask the abstract figure,
of her painting
he gave me the night he flew.
To far lands separating us day and night.
Like the night before,
I creep back without waiting for an answer
To my path,
Till I knock at the doors of dawn.
Another long journey of a night.
20th,June 2015,Saturday
its so hot here, but still my heart is ice cold.
i want rainbow in my hands but all i get is ashes of burnt desires
is there any possibility to become a luck when everyone sees you a curse
wanting to make others satisfy, loosing everything all i had
is this all what i really want?
or there is something big dreams hidden inside my heart and i am neglecting it?
This poem for all those friends who have their love ones, so don't let them get away from you.
You felt it when you sent your first love letter,
you loved it when you got your first one back.
You smiled when you read that he loved you,
you longed to express that love back.
You laugh at the misspelt words,
and take comfort in his hidden mistakes.
His unsteady writing runs through you,
like your heartbeat, it trembles and shakes.
Your eyes swell at the sight of his name,
as you know the close is near.
You rush back to where he said he loved you,
careful not to smudge with a tear.
You smile when you read it again,
with your thumb caressing his name.
You long over every last word this time,
still knowing that you'll read it again.
its the longest day of the year and sun is so close to the earth so it will be so hot today. its early morning right now and i just wake up. its quite outside. i want to go outside but its so hot outside.
what should i do today at home, oh yeah, i have few assignments to do. i a lazy to complete them but next week is submission date.
According to the US calendar today is Father's day!!!
22nd,June 2015,Monday
It was so hot out side so i didn't go to attend class. i am so upset that i didn't attend my today's class. it will effect my G.B. but its so hot outside , feels like heat is just melting my body. many people have died because of this hot weather. i am feeling so sick, can't eat , drink , or sleep just because of bad weather.
people around me feeling the same thing. this is so bad habit in me when i don't feel healthy i can't do anything. if my body ache i can't do any outside work, it made me sensitive person. maybe its just my mind whose effect on my body for not to do anything. i want to cure it. even i feel bad or my body is in pain, i want to attend my class and do daily work. but i can't do it, i am weak! but i will not stop , i will try yo face it, but when???
23rd,June 2015, Tuesday
People (specially your blood relatives) are so difficult to understand. if you try to understand and show sincerity but all you got negative response so you start thinking what should i do next.. then when you try not to understand them just ignore them but again all you got negative response then again you think what you should do. then you try to show sincerity when they come to you but still negative response.
all you left is now just run away from all those relationships , then you start running, you run mile away but when your heart start feeling pity like "they are my only blood relatives, i can't run away from them" and when you turn back all you find out. that was all just your imagination. you are still there where you start running. running miles and miles away was just a dream. Truth is we can't run away from them. except death do us apart.
some people think "yeah we could move in another country then we wouldn't be able to see them" but at some point you will think about them and will get back to them, or when you will find that i am about to die, you will try to meet them again.
Sometimes this is so annoying, why we can't cut our ties with them. but this guilt is so stressful , this guilt don't let us think about being "BAD person" towards them. at the same time its so painful when you gets hurts, people are really pathetic they know they will gets hurt but still they don't stop doing good deeds to their blood ones.
Afternoon now, listening music specially violin. violin is the only instrument which can calm my mind. its like, when you close your eyes while listening violin you can discover whole new world. a warm, peaceful place where no one will hurt you. you can freely smile there. some religion says listening music is sin, i think i could believe in this. music could send you in your fantasy world (far away from reality) if we don't face reality and live in your fantasy world problem never solves and we always stuck in past and spend our life in sorrow and waiting for our fantasy to come true. our perfect fantasy could never become reality but we always feel afraid to accept this and start running away from reality. but still when we turn around and see how far we have reached. we found ourselves still standing their, stuck in past. we feel so sorry for ourselves because all these times we were trying so hard for running away and we didn't realize that all those afford was meaningless. we have wasted all these times and now what to do. at the end we accept the reality and try to cover all those years we have spend in trying to make our fantasy come true.
but now if we think about at this point. what i am talking about. i am not telling you not to do effort for your desires. if you do hard work you could make your fantasy come true but when you enter in fantasy world one by one your desires increase. you never gets satisfy what you have. example, at first in your fantasy you want to become a successful business man, when you become successful business man you think "oh i am just a successful business man what a big deal" then your fantasy start increasing you stop seeing what you have, you start living in your fantasy world. a "never-land" a land where if you ever enter you can't come back. I think you can escape from your fantasy and you can also escape from reality. you can balance your life. Fantasy helps you fulfill your dreams , fantasy also could become cause of your dream to shatter. Like alcohol. you can enjoy 1 glass but 1 bottle could make you become a person you can't even stand on his own.
Today what i learn is :
An inch of time is an inch of gold.
24rth,June 2015, Wednesday
Anything Pisces doesn't know, or can't tune in psychically,
They can usually figure it out intellectually.
Anything Pisces doesn't know, or can't tune in psychically,
They can usually figure it out intellectually.
25th, June 2015, Thursday
If a Pisces tells you:
"I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL"
They sincerely mean it.
26th, June 2015, Friday
At first i used to think, why people have depression? are they stupid, why they think of bad things/people when they know it will give them stress. but now i know when i am facing same situation. i try not to think and concentrate on my most important work but every time i messed up. i try to work hard but my body feels like i am paralyzed i can't move. i cry out loud , gets angry on myself. and ask many question. stupid why are you wasting your time? no one will give you what you want. only you could get what you want. if you do hard work. but what to do? if i don't have any hope in me.
everything seems simple from others point of view, when i place my self on their point of view. i feel like i am doing wrong , its so simple i can do this, i can do hard work to achieve my goal. but when i think about take step forward then what? "who is controlling my mind, why can't i even do daily ruteen chores"
its so painful. i try to tell my family but its pisses me off, when they see me crazy person. to be honest. accept my family (who don't understand what i wants to say) no one is around me where i could go and talk and explain. i am a person, who just need few good words to get years of motivations. but who is that person who will comfort me. and who will say: its okay! you can do it. we believe in you.
yeah, these are the words i really want to hear from my mother. my mother (my hope, my supporter , my back bone , a place where if i share my problem i feel i don't have any , even if the problem remain there i get energy like if i face mountain in-front of me i will defeat it) but it is so painful and making me cried to say this. its been 7 years now , she has lost her affection for me. maybe it is remain there but there are so much misunderstanding between us that we can't see each others heart. we yearn for each other love. we both cry for each other, we bother feel pain for other. but we can't convey our feelings. sometimes she can't understand what i want to sat. sometimes i don't try to understand what she wants. but it really is painful. for me my mother was my healer. in my view my mother was always my super women. who could solve my every problem. even from childhood i didn't explain her my bad situations. i always gave her hint that i am in bad mood. so she cooked for me my favorite food. or tried to buy gift or something which could made me happy. i still want that side of my mother. but now when i try to give her hint that i am in a bad mood, she doesn't get the hint it made me so annoyed and i just gets angry on her. and she feels bad the she start scolding me. i cried alot. why? why? i gets annoyed easily , i should have explained her clearly. i should have shown some patients. i never cried because my mom scold me. i only cried because i hurt my mother. i really love her. but i can't tell her this. i really want to hug her. she is in-front of me. but i can't! if i hug her. she will ask what i want. this is how it becomes. when she asked me this tears comes in my eyes. but then i asked anything randomly to prove her right. when i think about times when i get angry or annoyed, or try to fight with my sister only to get attention of my mom. i start sobbing. hurting her was never my intention, i want to tell her. mom i love you. i always work hard just for you. when i think about getting job, first thing i think about is, when i will get my first salary what i will buy for me mom. what kind of house i will build for my mom. i want to give my mom a luxurious life, where she could smile, where she could live happily with out any stress. in her whole life my mom did really really hard work. for me , for this family she faced so much. sometimes she let her pride hurt just because of her family. i want to show each and every person who have hurt my mom. that she could live happy and she could live better life with her family then any other. seriously , many people who ever has hurt my mom i never forget their faces. i still remember what happened when i was in 3rd grade and who hurt my mom emotions. even i don't remember who did bad things with me. well i will never forgive them. these kind of feelings, all of these feelings i want to tell her. i want to tell her that her daughter thinks about her this much. but will i be able to tell her?
everything seems simple from others point of view, when i place my self on their point of view. i feel like i am doing wrong , its so simple i can do this, i can do hard work to achieve my goal. but when i think about take step forward then what? "who is controlling my mind, why can't i even do daily ruteen chores"
its so painful. i try to tell my family but its pisses me off, when they see me crazy person. to be honest. accept my family (who don't understand what i wants to say) no one is around me where i could go and talk and explain. i am a person, who just need few good words to get years of motivations. but who is that person who will comfort me. and who will say: its okay! you can do it. we believe in you.
yeah, these are the words i really want to hear from my mother. my mother (my hope, my supporter , my back bone , a place where if i share my problem i feel i don't have any , even if the problem remain there i get energy like if i face mountain in-front of me i will defeat it) but it is so painful and making me cried to say this. its been 7 years now , she has lost her affection for me. maybe it is remain there but there are so much misunderstanding between us that we can't see each others heart. we yearn for each other love. we both cry for each other, we bother feel pain for other. but we can't convey our feelings. sometimes she can't understand what i want to sat. sometimes i don't try to understand what she wants. but it really is painful. for me my mother was my healer. in my view my mother was always my super women. who could solve my every problem. even from childhood i didn't explain her my bad situations. i always gave her hint that i am in bad mood. so she cooked for me my favorite food. or tried to buy gift or something which could made me happy. i still want that side of my mother. but now when i try to give her hint that i am in a bad mood, she doesn't get the hint it made me so annoyed and i just gets angry on her. and she feels bad the she start scolding me. i cried alot. why? why? i gets annoyed easily , i should have explained her clearly. i should have shown some patients. i never cried because my mom scold me. i only cried because i hurt my mother. i really love her. but i can't tell her this. i really want to hug her. she is in-front of me. but i can't! if i hug her. she will ask what i want. this is how it becomes. when she asked me this tears comes in my eyes. but then i asked anything randomly to prove her right. when i think about times when i get angry or annoyed, or try to fight with my sister only to get attention of my mom. i start sobbing. hurting her was never my intention, i want to tell her. mom i love you. i always work hard just for you. when i think about getting job, first thing i think about is, when i will get my first salary what i will buy for me mom. what kind of house i will build for my mom. i want to give my mom a luxurious life, where she could smile, where she could live happily with out any stress. in her whole life my mom did really really hard work. for me , for this family she faced so much. sometimes she let her pride hurt just because of her family. i want to show each and every person who have hurt my mom. that she could live happy and she could live better life with her family then any other. seriously , many people who ever has hurt my mom i never forget their faces. i still remember what happened when i was in 3rd grade and who hurt my mom emotions. even i don't remember who did bad things with me. well i will never forgive them. these kind of feelings, all of these feelings i want to tell her. i want to tell her that her daughter thinks about her this much. but will i be able to tell her?
27nth, June 2015, Saturday
It's a beautiful night,
We're looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.
This song is "marry you" from Bruno mars
if you want to propose me. so you have to play this song and dance like a main character did in the kroean drama "my love from another star"
that dance scene is in episode 20 in vary last minutes. when a guy see that dance which was performed by main girl character for him (to propose him).
if that dance made me smile + cry + laugh = then i will answer it. lol...
well now i am gonna share few beautiful lines.
You make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you let me I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way.
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
I love it when you run your fingers through my rugged hair,
I love it when you get jealous because other boys will stare,
I love it when you call me beautiful and compliment me so,
I love it when you seem so confused as if you don't know,
I love the way you stare at me and look into my eyes,
My heart gets so heavy and deep that all the time just flies,
I love the way you kiss me so gentle you lips so calm,
I love the way you hold my hand and rub your fingers against my palm,
I love it when you wrap your arms around me the way that I felt,
When you stare me down and hug me tight I just want to melt,
I love your beautiful smile everytime I see it I want to faint,
Your laugh is so soothing it heals me like you're a saint,
I love the way you whisper to me when someone is nearby,
I love it when you say sweet things that make me want to cry,
I love the way you look at me with that cute little puppy face,
It seems as if you are so sad or simply out of place,
I love the way you are so confident in everything you do,
But most of all out of everything I love you for being you!
Well, well that's how wife catch their man.
Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "SH*T."
27nth, june 2015, sunday
Today i want to share something about horoscope, i don't believe in horoscope but as a PISCES. you can tell who i am after reading my diary. well this is 100% true that pisces are talented mostly in arts (music,singing,painting,poetry,sketching,story writing. everything related to arts) but no matter how tired i am, if i am in depression only sports (badminton,basket ball,tennis) could relax my mind and my body, also helps me to think the solution of the problem. i don't think pisces have patients or they can sit at one place. i like to travel alot. my keen interest in arts is the reason of my travelling. i can read faces , eyes, face expression. i can tell if the person is sincere or telling lies. sometimes its good thing you could judge people easily but it hurts alot (for sensitive pisces) when your friends or family tell lies with honest expression. pisces don't have patients so they try to let other person know that they (pisces) know that they (other person) are telling lies. but just because of impatient nature this thing turn in to back fire to them and they become out cast in between their friends and family. feelings are what they really treasure. if you show your true feeling through your expression or help them. they will really treasure you. if you give them 1% sincerity they will give you 10% sincerity. but if you give them even 1% dishonesty they will give you 100% dishonesty (after doing bad deed they will be in depression, this is other thing because they are so sensitive so they will think alot) but they really will be like this, like the way i am saying. well if we talk about pisces as a symbol , i mean. 2 fishes opposite faces to each other and in water, it shows vise versa (its like mirror, you will show your own image in them, you can't tell what they are thinking, i mean if you want to tell their personal whole personality you can't judge them in one thing, they like to suprise people.... but its true pisces are mirror, if you are bad they are bad, if you are good they are good, pisces don't like to hurt others, if they hurt you don't forget at the mid night in their room they will think about that bad deed and try to ask for forgiveness for god or drop tear for that bad deed, but its in their nature so they can't change it) pisces always remember their bad deed what they did but they easily forget what other did bad deeds with them. if a pisces gets angry after 3 second they will forget why they were angry , what was the reason. but if you hurt pisces badly and then pisces gets angry then you can't save yourself. i mean literally they became MAD MAN/MAD WOMEN. after seeing them angry you will say what the hell are they really human. well if we talks about others what others thinks about pisces so 85% you will get good comments. just search on google bar you will find out about pisces. you will say WOW!
first i will tell you why people don't like pisces. pisces could give their love to any one. if pisces say they love you they really mean it even a guy pisces is saying to 3 girls that he loves them then its means he really love them , some people would say pisces are cheater, but there are few situations ( i am talking about majority pisces OKAY) if a girl tell a pisces guy about her heart broken / her depression ? how much her school mates or family member bully her so he will feel her pain and try to give her love, just to make her life balance because she is facing so much pain so he will try to comfort her with supporting words and give her love. (girls if you want to get your hand on pisces guy so first get their sympathy , but don't let your hopes so high, if he says he loves he really love you he mean it but he doesn't make any promise that he can't love any one other than you so you have to force him to make promise lol) if pisces guy promised you that he will only give his love to you so he really will do this. good thing is pisces keep their promises.
this thing make me laugh, if you convince them yo made such promise so he will become cold to other girls hehe.... and literally not even 1% love he will give to others. so get yourself ready!!
girls will say "OMG, we will find pisces, they are so faith ful"
but hey...... you can't handle pisces 100% love.. LOL
you will start feeling suffocated. i really mean it....
This is all my observation! i am observing pisces for 10 years. my 5 relatives are pisces. whenever i go anywhere i try to find pisces and take their interviews. it has become small hobby. so i can be wrong. still i am learning about them. so if any pisces out there want to share anything you can share it here!! if you think i am wrong any where in this post so let me know!! and increase my knowledge!
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